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Boundaries
by Allison (Allison) on 09-29-2008 01:29 PM
Boundaries
I think one of the most important issues facing mentors is setting up clear and appropriate boundaries with your mentee. A few of the boundaries I’ve learned over the years include: time, money, and self-disclosure. Over the next few weeks, I’m going to discuss each boundary in detail. What are boundaries? They are spoken and unspoken “rules” each person has identified as important to them. We’ve all heard of “personal space” which is considered a physical boundary. Other boundaries might include how people treat you, talk to you or what they expect from you. You can tell when your boundaries have been violated when you feel upset, angry, or frustrated with your mentee’s behavior.
As a mentor, first you need to identify what boundaries are important to you. Then you need to figure out a way to clearly communicate those boundaries to your mentee. For example, letting your mentee know that you only take phone calls after 5pm. Or that you are only able to meet on Thursdays. Then you need to decide how you are going to handle a situation that violates your boundaries.
If you are already matched with your mentee and need to change some of your boundaries, talk to them about it. As the responsible adult in the relationship, you can make changes anytime! This teaches the child to be flexible and understanding of change. They might be upset about it at first, but if you stick to the new rules, they will learn to accept them.
Money boundaries include how much money you are willing to spend on an outing. Your financial situation might change throughout your match, so you don’t want to set your mentee up for something you can’t maintain. And the mentoring relationship should be about spending time together, not money! But, realistically, you might spend money during your outings. Also, this boundary includes buying things for your mentee. Are you going to buy them something anytime they ask? Or are you going to buy them a gift around the holidays/birthday? Maybe rather than buying them something, you take them someplace special (theater, nice restaurant, etc).
This boundary also includes giving gifts of money to your mentee (or their family), which I suggest you do not do. If the child or family is in financial need, help them by linking them to a community resource (food pantry, clothing resale store, etc). If you give or allow borrowing money one time, it’s going to be much harder to say no the next time (and they will ask again!)
I once supervised a mentor who set a monthly budget with her mentee. She allocated $40 a month for their weekly outings, so $10 a week. This taught the child budgeting, making choices, planning and decision making.
What are some other boundaries or rules that you have developed with your mentee?
I think one of the most important issues facing mentors is setting up clear and appropriate boundaries with your mentee. A few of the boundaries I’ve learned over the years include: time, money, and self-disclosure. Over the next few weeks, I’m going to discuss each boundary in detail. What are boundaries? They are spoken and unspoken “rules” each person has identified as important to them. We’ve all heard of “personal space” which is considered a physical boundary. Other boundaries might include how people treat you, talk to you or what they expect from you. You can tell when your boundaries have been violated when you feel upset, angry, or frustrated with your mentee’s behavior.
As a mentor, first you need to identify what boundaries are important to you. Then you need to figure out a way to clearly communicate those boundaries to your mentee. For example, letting your mentee know that you only take phone calls after 5pm. Or that you are only able to meet on Thursdays. Then you need to decide how you are going to handle a situation that violates your boundaries.
If you are already matched with your mentee and need to change some of your boundaries, talk to them about it. As the responsible adult in the relationship, you can make changes anytime! This teaches the child to be flexible and understanding of change. They might be upset about it at first, but if you stick to the new rules, they will learn to accept them.
Money boundaries include how much money you are willing to spend on an outing. Your financial situation might change throughout your match, so you don’t want to set your mentee up for something you can’t maintain. And the mentoring relationship should be about spending time together, not money! But, realistically, you might spend money during your outings. Also, this boundary includes buying things for your mentee. Are you going to buy them something anytime they ask? Or are you going to buy them a gift around the holidays/birthday? Maybe rather than buying them something, you take them someplace special (theater, nice restaurant, etc).
This boundary also includes giving gifts of money to your mentee (or their family), which I suggest you do not do. If the child or family is in financial need, help them by linking them to a community resource (food pantry, clothing resale store, etc). If you give or allow borrowing money one time, it’s going to be much harder to say no the next time (and they will ask again!)
I once supervised a mentor who set a monthly budget with her mentee. She allocated $40 a month for their weekly outings, so $10 a week. This taught the child budgeting, making choices, planning and decision making.
What are some other boundaries or rules that you have developed with your mentee?
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